Some great quotes from Steven Wright — with thanks to Mr. Joe Byerwalter for the laughs this am!

5 – 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
10 – The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
23 – My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
25 – If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 – A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 – Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
28 – The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
34 – If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 – If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?